Wow, 90 days into 40, summer is 2 weeks from calling it quits and I won't see another week off until Christmas Eve. SIGH. So now that I've gotten my complaints out of the way....
What I've noticed about myself in these last 4 weeks is how engrossed in body image I have been. Perhaps it was the torture of shopping for a bathing suit. Or seeing all the cute outfits that I couldn't fit into. Maybe it's the realization of how out of breath I get when climbing a flight or two of stairs. Never before. Body image is a constant in my life and I know I am not alone.
What makes my neurosis different this time? My self-confidence is not what it used to be and that worries me. Up until about 4 years ago, I have always felt good about myself. My self-esteem has always been high. It's not quite in the gutter, but I want it back in excellent shape. I want to get back into the gym. But with what time? Seriously. I have a 2 hour commute roundtrip. I haven't seen a 5pm exit from the office in forever. And I won't for the next 6-8 weeks. I have a young child who requires a great deal of attention. Oh and hello?! I do have a marriage to care for. Excuses right? Maybe, but excuse or not, it's a reality. There are just not enough hours in the day. I found a great class during the week but it's at 8pm. 8pm. Really? I'm going to kick box my ass off for one hour at 8pm after battling the airport traffic on the Van Wyck? Not going to happen. I'll fall asleep on the drive back.
I am very conscientious about self-esteem. I really have practiced what I preached about the importance of taking care of yourself and not letting others define your happiness or your beauty, especially as women. But I can't help shake this feeling of dislike for how I look lately. I really would love to just blame pregnancy. I mean I was at my best right before it. But pregnancy was just an excuse to indulge and not care. And how many people have babies and bounce right back to their previous weights? So pregnancy is no excuse. At least not for me.
Sometimes I think I'm just lazy. But if I were lazy, I would have been fired a long time ago. My garden would be ugly. And I would never have done a few home improvement projects here and there. So that's not it either. I most certainly have new interests and hobbies that take up a lot of time. And I am and always have been a TV junkie. Again, none of this is the problem. Maybe if I go to bed at 10 p.m. (DVR my fave 10pm shows) and get up at 6 a.m., I can get back into the swing of the work outs. When I work out, I always eat better because the idea of watching Billy Blanks for an hour only to binge on twinkies, does not appeal to me. That's a good goal. Not to binge on twinkies but to change my sleep habits. Maybe writing it, or in this case typing it, will make it so.
You know how some people need Jesus? I need vegetables! I don't like vegetables. Never have. I mean I'll have the occasional salad or peppers but please oh please do not put broccoli on my plate. YUK!
So I have rambled enough about my lack of exercise and legumes. I'll keep coming back to this topic as I try to move more and eat less this fall and winter.